Category Archives: inside my head

Control Freak

  By Amanda | December 5, 2012 - 3:07 am | ,
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Things are a little hard right now. I’ve realized I like to write when things are really good or when things are tough but I can find a way to turn tough around.  I don’t like to write when the World feels all “woe-is-me” and doom and gloom. Shit’s just tough right now.  And it’s not my shit to talk about so I won’t. But it’s tough and I’ve realized today that what makes shit toughest for me is when I have no control over fixing the shit.  It’s also why I hate planes – I have no control over … Read more →

Breaking Tradition

  By Amanda | November 20, 2012 - 12:25 am |
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I am a slave to traditions. It grounds me and connects me to my mom and my past.  There is something so comforting about traditions.  Kind of like snuggling up on the couch under a warm blanket on a cold winter day.  It warms my soul.  To me tradition smells like cinnamon and pine needles and has the hum of a house full of people. In my family, traditions were most present around the dining room table.  Every holiday had a menu and that menu changed very little from year to year.  Thanksgiving was a turkey, my grandmother’s stuffing, mashed … Read more →

The Dance

  By Amanda | July 3, 2012 - 11:39 am | , ,
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My brother will never dance with my mom at his wedding.It’s weird how that is one of the things that resonates so strongly with me.  That thought first hit me when my mom was laying in the hospital during her last days, and it has come back to me often. A moment.  That will never be.  Lost.I’ve cried for that lost moment many times.   Dancing with Joe at my wedding My brother, Joseph’s relationship with my mom was very different than mine.  They didn’t talk every day.  They drove each other simultaneously crazy.  My mom with her hovering, my … Read more →

Get a Grip

  By Amanda | May 29, 2012 - 6:04 pm | , , , ,
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May. May is just a hard, stressful month for me.  There’s a lot of good in May, but it all seems to be overtaken by my mom’s death.  It hangs over me and the month sucks the energy right out of me. Compound that with three weekends out of town, over 70 hours in the car with two toddlers, cleaning out my parent’s house and a really heavy workload.  May has kicked my ass.  To cope, I gave up taking care of me.  When something had to give, I gave up my time to walk.  When my emotions took over … Read more →

Letting Go

  By Amanda | May 21, 2012 - 10:46 pm | , , ,
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When my mom passed away she left a lot of stuff.  A LOT of stuff.  Too much stuff! I knew my mom had an affinity for garage sales and TJ Maxx and Marshalls and specialty food stores and Lord and Taylors and well you get the picture.  She liked to shop.  It was something we all knew.  It was something we would tease her about from time to time.  But I don’t think the full magnitude of her shopping sunk in until she was gone.  I spent this weekend cleaning out my parent’s house.  Trying to get it ready to … Read more →