Category Archives: inside my head

Another Milestone

  By Amanda | January 17, 2012 - 2:43 am | , ,
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Today I did something most women my age have not done . . . I had my first mammogram.  Because my mom was diagnosed at 47 doctors had long recommended that I start early screenings at the age of 30.  When her breast cancer metastasized the doctors insisted upon it.   However, I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for the last two years and this is the first week since my 30th birthday that I was allowed to be screened.  I made the first appointment available.  Since I am one of the first of my friends to have a mammogram let … Read more →

A Little Peace

  By Amanda | January 8, 2012 - 2:56 am | , , ,
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I haven’t written much the last couple of weeks.  The holiday’s exhausted me – in a wonderfully joyful way.  This is the third Christmas I have spent without my mom.  It was the first Christmas that I was able to embrace as my own. The last three years we have hosted Christmas, in one form or another at my house.  There are many reasons. New babies, pregnancy, having my babies wake up in their own beds and discover Santa in their own home.  But mostly because being in my mom’s home, without my mom, on Christmas is something I’m just … Read more →

Filling the Void

  By Amanda | December 20, 2011 - 8:26 pm | ,
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My mom’s death left a huge void in my life.  A gaping hole that I thought was going to swallow me whole.  The void was tangible.  I had hours in my day that I use to fill by talking with her.  Hours that were now empty.  The void was also intangible the lost memories, lost dreams, lost hopes.  In the months (years) after I lost her, there were many days I thought I lost myself too. I struggled desperately to fill the void. To fill that time.  To replace lost memories, dreams and hopes.  I repeatedly reached for people to … Read more →

Conflict of Faith

  By Amanda | December 20, 2011 - 7:35 pm | , ,
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I was somebody who discovered my faith on my own.  My parent’s were not overly religious – church was not a weekly event.  What they did do was expose me to religion.  Sending me to Sunday school to learn about the Church and it’s beliefs.  At the time it was a burden.  Something I had to wake up early on a weekend for.  But the foundation built during those years of Sunday school gave me an opportunity.  An opportunity to choose faith.  Which I did.  Long after my Sunday school days were behind me and I was confirmed in the … Read more →

Traditions

  By Amanda | December 15, 2011 - 4:05 pm | , , ,
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I am sentimental.  Very Sentimental. Overly sentimental! Songs and smells and sounds can transport me to a different time and place. This time of year I am especially sensitive.  The sounds of Christmas carols, and the smell of Christmas trees mixed with cinnamon instantly bring me back to my home growing up.  The feelings of warmth and comfort and love come flooding. This time of year brings on a whirlwind of emotions and tears are always close to the surface.  I am filled with a profound sadness that I’ll never have another one of my mom’s Christmases, a yearning for … Read more →