One of the things I’ve really wanted to work on lately is my faith.
I read this post today. She talks about always feeling carried by a higher being but not knowing how to help someone get there. And I get that.
In my life, I had always felt carried, protected, loved, understood by something higher. For me that something higher was understood through a Roman Catholic context but for right here, right now I’m just going to call it something higher. Something external from myself and from this earthly world. And this higher power carried me through a fair share of hardships, things that challenged me emotionally. It was a rock I held onto when the rest of the World didn’t make sense.
But then 2009 happened and that feeling of being carried disappeared. I felt betrayed. Hm, maybe worse. I felt like maybe there was never anything there to begin with. That maybe this feeling that I was carried, loved, protected and understood by a higher power was not grounded in any truth. Because if there was something there and it really did understand me, how could it possibly take away my mom — so young — so quick. How could it do that to me? How could a higher power that truly knows me and understands me and wants to protect me and carry me hurt me so badly.
And so for the last few years I have been struggling. Well maybe that’s not exactly true because for a while I just gave up. I didn’t care. How can you struggle when you don’t believe? But this is something I want to put back on the table. I have babies and I feel like I owe it to them to figure out where my faith is. One day soon they will be asking questions and I’ll tell them I don’t have all the answers, but I owe it to them to seek those answers because that is what I will tell them to do.
Still, I don’t know how to go back. Where do I begin to rebuild this relationship? How do I start? It’s like a really bad breakup and what was said and done is just too bad, too hard, to forget. It lingers and the hurt lingers and it’s like poison. I feel like I’m on really shaky ground and I don’t know how to get a foot hold.