I Wish

I wish the good memories flowed as easily as the bad ones. I wish that details of the millions of conversations I had with my mom were as easy to recall as are the feeling of hitting the cold hospital floor after my mom cried that she was “going to miss the baby.” I wish I didn’t have to struggle to remember my mom’s hug or strain to hear the sound of her voice in my head. I wish I didn’t have detailed flashbacks of conversations with doctors, signing a DNR, the hospice room, or the school bus that kept … Read more

Fate's Funny Ways

So like I said in my previous post, I’ve been having a rough go of it recently.  Selling my parent’s house has been stressful and has sent me on an emotional rollercoaster ride.  I’ve been struggling with my grief in ways I haven’t struggled in a couple of years.  I have felt so lonely. I’ve been screaming at the universe to cut me some slack and haven’t been getting a response. Then today this comment was submitted to yesterday’s post: Hi Amanda,  Back in 2009 I think you left a comment on a post I had written on a NYT … Read more

Tricks of the Mind

This morning, like most mornings, the boys climbed into bed with me and we all fell back to sleep. As I started to wake up I thought gee, I haven’t talked to mom in a few days. Then I thought, when was the last time, not yesterday – I must have called her on her birthday. And just as that thought floated through my mind reality started to break in.  Things started to come back into focus and the first hazy thoughts of consciousness turned to clarity. That clarity also brought a new wave of sadness.  A wave that was … Read more

This Little Light

[mantra-pullquote align=”left|center|right” textalign=”left|center|right” width=”33%”]Darkness can not drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate can not drive out hate; only love can do that. –Martin Luther King Jr.[/mantra-pullquote] The World shifted for me a little bit yesterday.  I did not think I would ever again see darkness like I saw on 9/11 in my lifetime.  But what happened in Newtown CT yesterday was darker.  The targeting and deliberate killing of children is beyond something I can even begin to try to wrap my head around.  Little lights that will never have the chance to shine. I, like so many … Read more