Control Freak

Things are a little hard right now.

I’ve realized I like to write when things are really good or when things are tough but I can find a way to turn tough around.  I don’t like to write when the World feels all “woe-is-me” and doom and gloom.

Shit’s just tough right now.  And it’s not my shit to talk about so I won’t.

But it’s tough and I’ve realized today that what makes shit toughest for me is when I have no control over fixing the shit.  It’s also why I hate planes – I have no control over my life when I’m flying.  My life is in someone else’s hands.  I’m not so good with that.  The whole letting go of control thing.  I’m what you might call a mild (HA) control freak!

So when the shit is hitting the fan and I can’t fix it no matter how many lists I make or how much I want to, I panic.  I panic because it is important, really important shit and all I want to do is make it right and I can’t.  So my heart races and my brain gets overwhelmed and my chest ties in knots.  The anxiety I fight so hard to keep at bay drags me under like a strong wave.

I’m under right now.  I’m frozen.  Not just with “the shit” but with everything.  Anxiety shuts me down.  It’s hard to focus.  It’s hard to concentrate.  It’s hard to sleep.  I’m drawn to my couch and whatever food is in the house.  I drown myself in food and inaction.  That’s what anxiety does to me.

And it makes me turn on myself.  It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for anything.  I’m snappy with my kids and feel like the enthusiasm I drum up for them comes across as forced so I’m not a good mom.  I’m a craptastic friend.  Damaged.  To sad and depressing.   I’m tired of being the sad, depressing friend.   I suck at being a wife because I’m emotional and my shit becomes our shit and I don’t want Matt to have to deal with my shit.   I can’t motivate myself to do the simplest things.  It’s like the lights go out.  I’m just failing.

And I know it will get better.  I know I’ll push through.  I know (hope, pray) that we’ll find a way through the shit that we need to find a way through.  I’ve come out the other end before.  I know there is light at the end of the darkness.  But the darkness is tough.

I think I hate writing about this because it makes me sound like I’m looking for a pat on the back or some kind of external validation.  I’m not.  Ain’t nothing anyone could say to validate me right now.  I’ve got to work through this on my own.  I’ve got to find a way to conquer (or quell) the anxiety.  I’ve got to find a way to shut out the voice in my head that brings me down.  I need to find a way to cope with the shit and I need to find a way to feel like I am back in control.

Yesterday I made myself take a 30 minutes to run.  Today I set a small list of tasks, simple things like put dinner in the slow cooker, take a 10 minute walk, pick my new insurance plan, renew my FSA.  Small little things that I have control over.  Small little things that are nothing in the grand scheme of things but on days like today and times like these are the things that are the difference between giving into the darkness that lurks and taking a stand against it.

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2 Responses to Control Freak

  1. Lyssa says:

    I know that anxiety & it can sometimes feel like it comes out of nowhere even though you do know why. The worst part is the racing mind and how it affects sleep. Sleep is my number one absolute need for functioning.

    I found a small way to put those racing/can’t sleep thoughts at bay by thinking about one perfect place or image of that perfect place. I would conjure that image in place of all the racing thoughts and every time they threaten to come back, I’d push the image forefront… For me this image is either the view from the beach house in Holden Beach (total peace) or the view from my favorite vacation spot with Mom in Santorini Greece looking out at the caldera & sea. It works, it really does. I’m glad you’ve found your own small steps to taking charge coping solutions..!

    • Amanda says:

      Thanks Lyssa! I was really good at doing that a couple years back when I was dealing with some anxiety. I need to get back in the practice.

      And I totally agree. If I get to sleep I feel better – much better. It’s just the whole shutting down and getting my mind to stop that’s the hard part sometimes.

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